My Mid-Life Uncrisis

The first 40 years of my life were in constant turmoil. Mid-life is a relief.

I’m in my mid-40s. As I write this, I’m 44, but my 45th birthday is in less than a month. Given my health and family history, I can reasonable expect another 45+ years of life, especially if I’m proactive about my health.

Aging is weird.

I’m not old.

But also… I’m perimenopausal, past any desire to have more children. My only child is grown, in his mid-20s, in a committed relationship, and has a delightful little one who is his in every way but biological, making me a grandmother even!

But also… I’m not old.

Well, I mean, I started being “old” to kids when I was in my 30s, but mid-40s is not old, either.

And yet… I am aging.

It’s weird.

I love it.

I mean that.

I love that.

Because the first 40 years of my life sucked on a variety of levels.

And since then?

It’s been amazing.

Finally free from a toxic marriage that nearly killed me a couple times — and nearly killed him, literally, that one time when a hex got a bit bloodier than anticipated…

My business, while not raking in the riches at this point, sustains me.

I own my home, and am at that point where I just have to keep on doing the projects to continue to build on the foundation that has finally come together after decades of struggling with shitty self-esteem, undiagnosed Autism, unmedicated (and unmedicatable cuz yay weird drug intolerances) ADHD, shitty relationships, and poverty.

I was a hot mess for 40ish years until the right amount of luck and magic mixed with finally figuring out how to get my shit together.

I mean, I’m still a bit of a hot mess figuring things out, but the figuring out is less about, “How the fuck do I even survive this bullshit?” and more about, “Okay, how do I clean up the remaining messes and build more without getting overwhelmed?”

I’m not having a mid-life crisis.

It’s my Mid-Life Uncrisis.

Because for the first time in all my years, my lifes isn’t in crisis by default.

Oh, shit goes sideways sometimes, sure.

But the sideways doesn’t completely derail me and leaving me having to start again from scratch. The sideways is just a bit of a hitch to overcome, not straying from the path completely.

I’m loving it.

So much.

And I wish I’d known sooner that mid-life could be so great, but only when you’re willing to let go of all the bullshit that drags you down and the toxic notions about how things should be.

Oh, the hormonal shit is annoying as fuck, for sure.

But the rest of it?

Thank you, more please.